Always watching.

I just typed and retyped this first sentence several times. I think that this is writer's block. I've never experienced it before. Maybe it's writer's inspiration. I have so many ideas flowing through my skull, out my fingertips, and on to the page. They're always teeming, always reeling. Always building. I'm always watching.

I am not observant by any means. Ask me to keep track of what a girl's wearing every day of the week; I'll either forget to do it entirely or I'll miss some marks. I don't care about the little things. I care about the bigger meaning. I don't give half a rat's you-know-what about the way you multiply these numbers to get this product; I care about how it works.

But I'm constantly watching. I guess you could say I'm very introverted. I have my moments of extroversion, and I appreciate being around people. But asked to do a project solo or with a group, I'll always choose myself. I have too many ideas, and I'm too set on them, to just agree with other people on things, or even compromise. I usually want to take charge in a group setting, and since some other people are the same way, I get intensely frustrated and immediately lose interest in the assignment, even if I was at one point ecstatic about it and brimming with ideas.

I'm not sure why I'm writing all this. I think I'm in dire need of a creative output. I've stopped painting since this past summer, and I've stopped taking personal walks. I don't really care that much about my "self-time" anymore. I kind of gave up the ghost. I don't really enjoy being with myself anymore. So many people have broken me down, watched me crumble, and told me that I'm worth nothing by means of actions. I don't understand how I am expected to regain confidence after being told that I am nothing.