Daily Planner 2.

So, yesterday, I went to the mall with my mom. It was really nice, since we hadn't really done anything together for a long time, just the two of us; the most time we've spent together recently is our two-and-a-half hour long drive to our vacation house, and that usually isn't what one would call "quality" time. I listen to my iPod. She drives. End of story.

But, anyway, we went to the mall, and had dinner at my favorite restaurant. We talked about everything that's been going on. We talked about my upcoming birthday. We talked about school. But for some reason, it felt genuine. Most often, when I talk to my mom, it feels like she's just asking because she feels obligated. Last night was different, though. It was nice.

I'm going out to dinner with my dad tonight. I'm really excited, actually. Ever since our visit in the hospital, I feel like we've grown a lot closer. He watches me more carefully when we're together, but even still, I feel like he cares more than he used to. Sometimes it takes a tragedy to create a comedy. That's my opinion, anyway.

I'm listening to my favorite song again! It reminds me so much of this summer, which I suppose shouldn't be a good thing; somehow, although, it is. This summer was a summer of pain and of happiness. Both are beautiful, I guess. Both are things that everyone experiences at one point or another. I just experienced both at the same time. I grew up very quickly over this summer. I grew up more than was expected of me. I'm proud of myself for making it through with my head held high. Sure, there were times I gave up the battle. But in my opinion, giving up isn't admitting defeat; it's saying that you've had enough.

I don't think I'll ever get enough. I'm ninety-nine percent positive that I will never stop being the person I am. People always tell me I need to grow up, I need to have more fun, I need to be more this, I need to do more of that. I don't think I'll ever listen. I will never give in to the expectations or molds that everyone around me has laid out on my table. A person can't be defined according to other people's expectations. A person needs to define herself. I'm in the process of doing just that.

It just brings up the infamous question of "who am I?" I don't think we ever truly know. We were reading an article in our PSAT prep booklet yesterday in English about artificial intelligence, and consciousness, and the difference between the two. It fascinated me. What is consciousness, anyway? How do we know that what we live in is the "real world," and that our dreams are "imaginary?" What if it's the other way around? I was thinking about this on my walk yesterday evening. How can we be so sure that we've reached the "final frontier" of science; how can we be so positive that there is pretty much nothing else we can master? I think that we are so primitive in ourselves; much like infants, we think that anything that disappears from sight is no longer in existence. We think that there is nothing in the world but the single beam of vision, the single beam of consciousness, that races through the darkness. That metaphor was used in the article we read yesterday. It's brilliant, isn't it? I love complex ideas such as this. They fascinate me.

Well, 5th period is drawing to a close, and so is my inspiration. I'll write later.

Quote of the day: Poetry is language at its most distilled and most powerful. -Rita Dove