Every single itty-bitty thing about me is one big lie. No, not everything I say is a jumbled mess of fabrication; I have many truths in the words I speak, and I attempt to be as straightforward in my tactics of living as possible. But every emotion, every single "I'm just fine (enter smile and laugh here)" is one big huge joke.
I am the farthest thing from fine 99% of the time. I am frustrated with the direction my life is pointed in, I am angry at myself, I am angry at everyone around me, I am angry, angry, angry. Sometimes I feel like I'll make it out of this wreck of a rough spot. Sometimes, I feel "okay." But most of the time, I just feel like a big phony. I feel like a fraud.
I often wonder if everyone else out there in the world is like me: faking smiles, pretending to be okay, pretending that nothing affects them. I wonder, do people see through me? Do people pretend as much as me? Most importantly, what would happen if I stopped being "okay?"
The music I listen to, and the people i surround myself with, are from all different ends of the spectrum. I have one friend, who lives in New York during the summer and Utah during the school year, who likes completely different music than most people. He's really interested in movies, and wants to become a film star/director/producer/rap star/homemaker/husband/whatever else he can think of. I have another friend in Pennsylvania who likes the same music as me, but is into completely different activities; he is a sponsored skateboarder and likes working at the local jail (don't ask me, I would NOT be able to explain).
It is only with these two things that I am myself: my music, and my friends. I do not consider acquaintances friends. Heck, I don't consider most people I'm friendly with my friends. I have five true friends in this world, and I love them all more than I love myself. Things have been slightly rocky with these true five ever since this summer; I changed drastically since May, and my friends noticed it. None approve of this new person who morphed from the old Kristen we all used to know and love, and none realize that I can do nothing about it.
Dustin, my long-distance-boyfriend-slash-best-friend-slash-Pennsylvania-mentor, is the person who accepts me the most. I know that Dustin is aware of my "mask" situation, and the thing that strikes me most is that he doesn't care. He knows that the mask will only fall off when I'm ready and fully willing. This is why I care about him so much. He is the most insightful person in my life right now.
Just because I am a masked person, does not mean I am a faulted one. In my opinion, everyone wears a mask to an extent. I don't really understand all of this to its fullest. I don't really understand myself most of the time. I just know that I'm a fake. And it doesn't look like it's changing any time soon.
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