Insomnia disgusts me.

I'm leaning against the wall, half-crying and half-laughing. It's all over, it just started. A door is opening while the one behind me closes.

It's dark in my room, it's dark in this small and pinching room, something's on my chest I think I'm gonna blow oh god oh god what just happened?

He said I need to hit rock bottom.

I hit it a while ago, I replied, through the tears and the heart breaking all over again.

No, he said, it usually happens when something inside you dies.

I have no idea. What is it that I am feeling? What is it that I am supposed to feel? I'm so confused, I'm so sorry, I'm trying really hard to leave you alone. You seem so happy with your life without me. I'm trying to be happy with my life without you.

You made me whole. I hope you know that. You make me sit on therapists' couches and cry in the fetal position, you make me weak, you make me tremble, you make me so ridiculously angry but I guess that's love. You broke me. You make me whole.

To say I would give my right arm to have you back isn't quite right. I'd give my entire body. I'd give my body and my mind to have you sitting near the pillow I recently drowned in tears, I shredded it to bits, you're gone and you're happier, how long ago was it that I made you happy? How long ago was it that you promised everything would turn out fine? How long ago was it that your hand slipped into mine, how long has it been since you said you loved me? How long has it been since you meant it?